Do as I Say, Not as I Do
by dave-d
Summary: Sousuke reads something at an FMP fan site that has him very upset. Kaname is the voice of reason, trying to calm him down.


**A/N:**

_While I am definitely not a fan of _shōnen-ai, yaoi, shōjo-ai, _or_ yuri, _I would defend anyone's right to pen a story any way they like. No one is holding a Glock orTMP to readers' heads, making them read stories they would rather not read._

_Nonetheless, this story has Sousuke take offense at people writing non-canon things about him. Fans of shōnen-ai and the like may wish to steer clear of this one, even though the use of that subject matter is to set Kaname up in one position, only to lead to the punch line at the end._

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The sound was long, drawn out, and repetitive.

_Scrape… scrape… scrape… scrape. _Quiet. _Scrape… scrape… scrape… scrape._

Kaname closed her text book. That noise had the hair on the back of her neck standing up for some reason. She had convinced Sousuke that they should study together, but she was the only one doing any reading.

"Big idiot." Kaname stood up, a scowl on her face. If she had to drag that idiot back out to the table by his ear, she would. And if she happened to pull that ear off in the process, too bad. It would serve the stupid head right! "Souuuus-_kaaaaay_…"

_Scrape… scrape… scrape… scrape. _Quiet. _Scrape… scrape… scrape… scrape._

Sousuke was sitting huddled over a grey rectangular block of carborundum. He would make a cutting stroke along the surface of the whet stone in one direction, and then turn the knife over and repeat. Doing that twice he would pause. He wasn't overly worried about the angle, as long as he kept it constant.

"Why is that jerk doing that now?" Kaname muttered under her breath. In the back of her mind, a small voice asked 'why is he paying attention to that stupid stuff instead of me?' She clenched her fists, feeling her temper moving up along the thermal scale.

_Scrape… scrape… scrape… scrape. _Quiet. _Scrape… scrape… scrape… scrape._

"**SOUSUKE!"**

Kaname's shout had Sousuke flinching, pulling the knife back too far and too fast. He managed the stop the blade just I time. The point was pressed against the eyelet of his trousers' zipper.

"Kaname, that is dangerous." Sousuke placed the combat knife flat against the floor. "I could have caused myself significant injury."

"Let me tell you what's dangerous, mister!" Kaname's eyes flashed. She put her hands on her hips and glared at Sousuke. "There's a test tomorrow. You need a good grade on this exam much more than I do. A certain military maniac thought it would be efficient if we studied together. But, that same maniac goes off and starts sharpening one of his toys."

"This is a Yarborough Knife, usually available only to past or present members of the US Army Special Forces," Sousuke answered automatically. "It is efficient, tough, exceptional. Hardly a toy."

"**S-O-U-S-U-K-E S-A-G-A-R-A-!"**

Kaname's face turned beet red. She was not in the mood for otaku-speak, not in the least! She had pointed shoes on. They were efficient, tough, and exceptional when kicked against a certain moron's shin. She had also brought her halisen. It didn't have some fancy name, but she'd match it up against a Yarborough any day.

"Kaname, don't you have a test to study for?" Sousuke raised one eyebrow. He looked back down at his knife, eager to get back to work. "I will join you when I have finished the task at hand."

"_Ooooo-oooo-ooo-oo-o…" _Kaname felt as if her head were about to explode. She was not one to just brush off in the best of times. "At least tell me this much, Sousuke. Why did you go on-line, trying to find an additional reference for Japanese History, and then walk over and start playing with that stupid knife?"

"It… it is not a problem…" Sousuke's face went blank. No, not just blank… more blank than usual. That caught Kaname's attention, the way the heat-sensing organs on the nose of a Sidewinder catch wind of a small rodents body heat.

"Well, let's see if you left things on the computer then…" Kaname smiled sweetly, turned sedately, and then took off running, Sousuke only a step behind her.

"Kaname… no… it is not important…" Sousuke came very close to kicking Kaname's feet out from under her. He might be overly anxious, but he didn't have a death wish.

Flush with the feeling of victory, Kaname stood in front of Sousuke's PC. The big idiot had indeed left things on-line. When Sousuke put his hands on her waist, intending to pull him away from the screen, she debated what response to take. An elbow to the gut and a kick to the calf always worked; but, it was somewhat risky to use anything against Sousuke that his little military-issue brain might unconscious interpret as an enemy attack. Instead she sighed in exaggerated fashion and leaned back against the sweating soldier.

"_Mmmm-mmm-mm-m_… feeling frisky, are you?" Kaname practically purred. "I didn't think our relationship had come this far. Mister. Maybe we should study together more often." And now for the coup de grace. ""Want to study Biology together, instead of Japanese History."

Sousuke took a step back off balance, falling hard to his rump. He looked up at Kaname with a shocked look on his face.

"**Hmmmpppfff!" **Kaname tossed her hair and smirked. Still feeling somewhat evil, she moved her hips provocatively for a moment. She didn't need to look to know that Sousuke had his eyes closed. "So… what do we have here… an FMP fan site…" Now how did that knuckle head end up at a place like this, when he should have been reading Japanese History? No matter. She needed to find out what had him going commando.

Eyes wide, Sousuke considered drawing his Glock and putting a bullet through the monitor screen. The Finance Department would not like that, and they had told him that he was already on Double Secret Probation. He could dive under Kaname's legs and pull out the power cord. But, that would leave him in a potentially compromised position. He was 99.54 percent certain that Kaname was joking. But, 0.46 percent is nothing to take lightly.

There was no time to run to the breaker box and shut down power. He was sunk. Kaname had pulled out his chair, sat down, and was busy scrolling through the site. Defeated, he headed back out into the living room area. He was too frazzled to resume studying.

"One hundred fifty-two… _(grunt)… _one hundred fifty three… _(grunt)… _one hundred fifty four… _(grunt)… _one hundred fifty five…"

"I really don't see what had you so upset, Sousuke." Kaname eventually walked out and sighed, seeing Sousuke handing upside down from an exercise bar, feet in a pair of attached boots. He had his shirt off, and was busy doing inverted sit ups. She blushed and looked away, her pulse quickening. "They… they were only stories…"

"One hundred fifty-six… _(grunt)… _they were stories about me, Kaname… _(grunt)… _one hundred fifty-eight… _(grunt)… _the subject matter was a clear attack upon my person… _(grunt)… _one hundred sixty… _(grunt)… _the actions were unprovoked and unwarranted… (grunt)… it might well be a despicable plot by Amalgam…"

"Get down from their. That grunting is obscene. _Pervert!" _Kaname fanned herself with her hand for a moment, until she caught Sousuke looking at her. "And put a shirt on, you big slob!"

"Perversion is precisely what I am talking about, Kaname." Sousuke pulled himself up, released the latches on his boots, and then allowed himself to fall, twisting and landing softly like a cat."

"_Geeeez." _Kaname sighed. "It is not Amalgam." How could that chowder head think that an organization as advanced as Amalgam would resort to publishing fan fictions.

"You may be correct," Sousuke said, wiping himself down with his old shirt, before throwing it in the direction of his laundry basket. Running a hand through his damp hair, he walked into his bedroom to put on a camouflage shirt. He stopped to stare at his TMP and the gun cleaning kit next to it. He called out to Kaname. "It could be Cmdr. Mardukas. He does not like me. He may well wish to see me removed from the organization."

"_Sheeeesh!" _Kaname smacked herself in the forehead. "It's not that guy either, Sousuke. How can you be so clueless. It's just someone who likes _Full Metal Panic, _writing a story for fun."

"It is not fun, Kaname." Sousuke's face looked as if it had been carved from flint. "I find no reason to laugh." That wasn't a particularly telling statement, since the dour young man rarely laughed. "Also, if one likes a series, you would expect them to like the characters."

"They _do," _Kaname said, feeling the urge to literally shake some sense into the clueless soldier. "That's why they take the time to write about you. Look at the amount of detail they put in their work. All sorts of references to the anime and books. That kind of effort takes a kind of love."

"Love," Sousuke said, looking over at the computer screen. "I do not yet have a good understanding of that word." His face grew dark. One hand twitched. "But, if I was going to love someone…" He looked at Kaname, and then looked away. "It would _not_ be a man. Most certainly not _that _man."

"I know that, Sousuke." Kaname felt her face grow warm. She knew what that look meant, even if Sousuke did not. "So do the majority of your fans. They're not going to think you're anything that you're not." She rubbed her fingers together. "I'm certainly not going to think anything bad about you, OK?" She took a few steps towards him, and then stopped. "But…" She smirked. As usual, she knew just how to pull his strings.

"But what, Kaname?" Sousuke walked over to the whet stone, sat down, and started sharpening his knife again.

_Scrape… scrape… scrape… scrape. _Quiet. _Scrape… scrape… scrape… scrape._

"**WILL YOU PLEASE STOP THAT!"**

Kaname stomped her foot. Having done so without looking, she grimaced and hopped around a bit. She had stepped hard on the knife's sheath with her bare foot.

"If you happen to step on the sheath, you may injure your foot," Sousuke said, not bothering to turn around.

"Thanks… for… letting… me… know…" Kaname forced herself to relax. "What I was trying to say was, Shouji Gatou may have added a little fuel to the fire."

"How is that?" Sousuke swung around, his face intense. "Shouji Gatou is a fine man. He is _not_ a pervert."

"Well, think back to the episodes with Gauron." Kaname spoke nonchalantly, trying not to smile. "Remember? My Kashim. Honey. I love you, Kashim. Stuff like that…"

"There is no more Kashim," Sousuke said with a little heat. "And, there is no more Gauron!" He smacked his fist against the floor. _"Shit head!"_

"Oh…" Kaname brought a hand to her mouth. Who was Sousuke talking about? Himself? Gauron? Shouji Gatou? It couldn't be _her, _could it? "I was only joking, Sousuke…"

"I understand, Kaname." Sousuke let out a long breath. "It is difficult reading things like that. I find it disrespectful and delusional. But, you are correct. I am a Specialist. It does not serve me well to overreact. Just because a story can be classified as Slash, does not mean that one should resort to retribution of the same name." He held up his knife. "It would have been something _he _would do, going after an author with a knife." He hung his head. "I have reason to feel ashamed…"

"Hey, it's OK. You're still a really great guy, Sousuke. I wouldn't…" Kaname bit her tongue. Now was not the time for any kind of personal epiphany. "I would have been really upset myself, if I found some story pairing me up with Tessa." Kaname shivered, suddenly feeling somewhat sick to the stomach. "I wouldn't have reached for a weapon, though. Girls are much more sensible than guys. _Hmmmpppfff!"_

"Affirmative," Sousuke said. "It is one of the things I admire about you, Kaname." He rubbed the back of his neck. "I am very impressed that you did not shout at the computer the way you usually yell at me, when you saw the fourth story at that site."

"Huh?" Kaname blinked her eyes rapidly. "Fourth story?" She squared her shoulders. She was not going to look. It didn't matter what any story said. Wasn't that the message she just tried to get across to the melancholy military maniac? Still, there was no harm in reading just a little, _right?_

Sousuke jumped when he heard a loud noise from the other room. The chair must have fallen over. How? It was pretty heavy.

"**MOVE! GET OUT OF THE WAY, BAKA!"**

Kaname shoved Sousuke out of the way. She sat down on the floor. Eyes narrow, and blood welling up on her lip where she had bitten it, the irate girl began working on the knife.

_Scrape… scrape… scrape… scrape. _Quiet. _Scrape… scrape… scrape… scrape._

Sousuke picked himself off the floor. Giving Kaname a wide berth, he went to look at the computer. Just as he had done, Kaname had left the story on screen. He read until he found the answer.

The author had him falling for Tessa.


End file.
